Bart Vs. The Space Mutants

So it's been a little while...work was kicking my ass over the summer, and then school started...I'm back!
Edit: Lol Nope, not just yet

The Title Screen

Now I know The Angry Video Game Nerd did a review on this (which is crazy, I thought this game was super unknown…though I guess I don’t know how popular it was so maybe not.). But I have it, and I fucking beat it, so I’ll fucking talk about it.

So let me start out by saying that I’m not really a Simpsons fan (gasp, shock, horror). I’ve seen probably like 3 episodes and the movie, which was good, I just never saw the show, nor really cared to. I got this game as a gift only a couple years ago…someone had found it in their attic so they gave it to me.

This game came out all the way back in 1991, probably after the Simpsons arcade game which came out in March of the same year (I believe, I wouldn't really trust that). Now if you remember the arcade game, you might remember an awesome four player beat em up which isn’t just considered one of the best Simpsons games, but one of the best Beat em ups.
The arcade game was crisp and fun and really made use of how popular the show was, packing in as many of the numerous colourful characters from the show as it could. It had good music, great sound, and was just an all around awesome game. 

You should go pick that game up on the XBLA or PSN…is good time.

This game isn’t like that.

I’m not going to lie…I really didn’t want to play this one. I was really hoping that when it wouldn't turn on that it had been broken somehow and that I wouldn't have to play it. I thought about just throwing it out the window and forgetting it was ever a part of my collection, but I knew that wouldn't be fair…So I cleaned it and threw it in the system…and after a few minutes of fiddling (and like 15 minutes of Bionic Commando just to make sure the NES hadn’t broken…man that game is fun.) I finally was greeted with the title screen, and as I feel all Simpsons games (or any game that’s based on a TV or Movie for that matter) should start with the Theme song. Granted the theme song sounds pretty horrible…and the graphics look like a supped up DOS game, but I can recognize both the characters, and the song, and there are space mutants visible. So this game I guess isn’t off to that bad of a start, but not long after, this game stumbles a litte…into hole, full of spikes, and bees, and the bees are on fire, but still alive and able to sting you, mostly in the eyes.

So ok, the game looks bad, well not terrible…just bland.

Take your pick, radioactive colours, or bland shitty nothing?

So the story (Which is a story, there’s a beginning a middle and an ending,) is that space mutants have come to take over Earth with a powerful ultimate weapon. All they need to do is power up the weapon by collecting purple coloured objects…Now, lemme just hold up here. Disregarding the fact that they need something as asinine as a certain pigmented object, what kind of invading force goes out without their weapons having power?

"Tell ze Fryman we need Purple Things"

 Is this some sort of Simpsons joke I’m not getting? Like…This game was made when Bart still said “eat my shorts”, (which you hear every time you die…and it’s funny EVERY TIME)  so when was that? Was that early? Does he still say that? I remember hearing it on a Futurama episode...I'm not sure, the important thing to take away from this is that they need purple items and it’s up to Bart to stop them!

Now…normally I could let a poor story slide for an old game like this, especially if the gameplay is fun. But for a title sporting the Simpsons name, from which I've heard only good things about the writing, I would expect at least something. This game came out in ’91, which is like the height of the show’s popularity (eh, don't trust this fact either)…they really couldn’t get anything better than “Aliens are attacking!”?   Well whatever, maybe the gameplay is fun. (Spoiler: No)

The goal of the game is to collect a certain number of "things", which varies with each level. In the first level, you have to get rid of purple coloured objects, using usually spray paint, but sometimes anything else. The next you need to get hats, by running into them, then balloons, and etc. etc. you just have to collect things.

 This sounds simple enough, but the first level is a little bit silly. It just drops you in with no explanation about how to do go about the game.
The thing is though, that this first level, is actually a pretty clever. There are a lot of things that the game doesn’t tell you, and some of the logic it uses is really cheap if you don't know what you're doing, but at least in the first level it was something different than just "Collect the trinkets!".
Unfortunately, the rest of the time is just “collect this thing”, usually in the most frustrating manner possible. This isn’t helped by the fact that the game is really difficult, but like, not in a way that’s really beatable…Again, this is one of those games where if you can beat it on the NES without cheats, congrats you mook.

I beat it on the emulator, and with a walkthrough, and infinite lives, but I think that if had this game had continues I would have done it on the NES. That’s one of my biggest hang-ups with this game. It’s hard, not because of the fact that you have to trial and error your way through each level, or that you die in two hits, no. This game is hard because there aren’t any continues.

The maddening experience of playing this game is really built on the fact that this game has some pretty odd controls. The A button jumps, and you have to hold it to run. Which is weird, but I got used to it after a while. You have to hold B and A to do a further jump, wasn’t that odd for me because Mario has you holding both buttons (and also I have huge hands). All in all the controls are too loose for the precision platforming you need to do, the platforms themselves you can fall through if you don’t make the jump just right.  It also doesn’t help that the game never looks good, so much so that in some parts it’s really difficult to see what you can jump on. What makes the platforming even sillier, is that B also uses your item, like your slingshot or spray paint. So to make certain jumps, you have to hold A and B at the same time, but because of this you inevitably waste some of your item.
 You have other items too, like x-ray glasses, and bottle rockets that are super hard to aim, and whistles which don’t really do anything. You access them by selecting the item with select (simple), then hitting start to use them. But start usually pauses the game…well it does here too…you just have to pick the “Pause” item. It’s a nitpick, but trying to pause the game is a fucking chore and that’s super annoying. You also have coins, which you use to buy things at the shops in the first level. Yeah, also there are shops in the first level. I had no idea…until I looked it up in a walkthough. I can see you judging me...fuck you. Go play this game, see how far you make it.

You might be thinking, “that doesn’t seem that bad,  you need to learn these old games, memorization is just part of how they were made” and you’re right, it’s not so much that this game is particularly difficult in the sense that it’s a challenge of timing and skill like Mario might be, it’s just really frustrating.
 You get two hits before you die, which is annoying because you’re trying to go through the level and figure out what to do. You’ll get hit with some stupid bullshit that pops up on the screen, and then you have to be super careful with these awkward ass controls. You can keep limping on through the level, and you might get a little further, but you’ll eventually get a game over, and then you have to start aaaaaaaaall the way back to the beginning.

Think about all those tough games, like Ninja Gaiden and any of the Marios or any of the Castlevanias or Contra.  With all of those games, you can at least continue from the start of the level at least once or twice, sometimes indefinitely. Not with this game, you get a game over? Bam, title screen. Eventually you’ll get good enough at the level to make it back pretty quickly, but each level still takes a while even if you fly through it…it took me like ten minutes to beat the first level, which after doing five or six times without getting past the second level, made me want to give up…And that fucking Simpsons theme just keeps playing, mocking you, slowly adding to the misery that is the experience of playing this game.

This game just isn’t fun, and that’s the bottom line. It’s a good challenge and I guess if you’re a Simpsons fan, you might enjoy it for a minute? I dunno I don’t think anyone can actually enjoy this game.
If there were continues, or less bullshit, or more hits before you died, or better controls then maybe this game would actually be pretty fun and good. As it stands, it’s just bad
The sloppy controls, boring, poorly designed graphics, a horrible story (which for a show like the Simpsons really has no excuse to not be at the very least mediocre), bland music, frustrating level design and goals that aren’t clear . It’s mostly just frustrating more than anything, and after I hit the title screen more than twice and hearing that fucking theme song for like an hour, I just wanted to be doing anything BUT playing this game. I doubt you would as well...

You're a winner Bart...eat some fucking shorts

On to the next one,

-Nick

Tl;Dr

+Simpsons Theme right off the bat

+Some interesting ideas on how to meet your goal in the first level

-Poor, awkward controls

-Really dumb story

-Just bad…Just really boring and bad and frustrating

Rally Bike

So it’s time to talk about that NES motor cycle game!

Nope.

Yeah...This one.

Now before I start, I should let you (the reader) know that I like ska. I like a lot of ska bands, one of which is Reel Big Fish (you might not have heard of them…they were big in the 90’s). On their album Candy Coated Fury, they have a rad song called Everyone Else is an Asshole.

 (you can listen to that [here] and if you like it go buy one of their CDs! Probably NSFW...just use headphones) This song, has probably one of the most pertinent titles in relation to this game.

This is what 20 years of Ska looks like

So Rally Bike.

Dude has the NY skyline painted on his visor 

I did beat this game, but I have to admit…I had to do it on an emulator and be a total cheater and cheat my way to victory. (I never said I couldn’t cheat). This game is a port of a 1988 arcade game of the same name. It’s meant to take your money, and boy does it.
 If this game were a schoolyard bully, it would kick you in the butt while you were at the urinal so you would not only get your clothes all ruined, but would smack your wiener against the toilet, then it would take all the money you had in your pocket.

Sorry that was a little gross.

But seriously, if someone can beat this on the NES with one life, I would be seriously impressed…it’s not just about quick reflexes, but also about memorizing the entire course and being able to adjust to the other asshole racers.
 Your hitbox is pretty deceptive, mostly because it doesn’t conform entirely to the cycle, but instead an actual square box around the entire sprite. This leads to a lot of frustration because you’ll clip obstacles (usually asshole riders) and die..frequently.

Speaking of asshole riders, your competitors are dicks. They will purposely turn into you and making you crash and die a horrible death. Seriously, I couldn't count the number of dudes that wouldn't get out of my way, or would turn into me. It's infuriating. To make maters worse, if you go slower to dodge an obstacle or something and one of these shits is behind you, they will beep their horn at you. Gane devs, that's not fucking cute, it pisses me off. I wanted to go in there and punch every rider in the face. (it also reminded me of this Reel Big Fish song...also probably NSFW)

There are four different levels that are all incredibly difficult (you might have to take my word on this one because without emulating I could only get to level two) and each level you have to come in a certain place to continue. You also have to make sure you don’t run out of gas, otherwise you die. So if you manage to get to the end of the four levels, you have to do it again. Yes. All of them. No there aren’t any continues. Yes it’s faster and more difficult.

Once you get to the end, the fabulous prize you get is a small little shot of New York City’s skyline wonderfully rendered in 8 loving bits (though not as nice as Punch-out!!’s) and a black screen that says game over. You don’t even get a gosh dang trophy!

Other than the frustratingly annoying difficulty, the game is pretty fun. Just know that you will only beat it with a lot of luck and a lot more practice. The music is pretty catchy, which is good considering how you will hear stage 1’s music a lot, and the others a lot less. The controls work, but again the hitbox is such that it makes it frustrating when you die by clipping the one pixel of the other rider. 

It’s not Excitebike…that’s for sure.

You don't get this. This is Excitebike. Loser.

Tl;DR

+Fun to play…until it starts to piss you off

+I got to listen to Reel Big Fish while writing this

-Everyone Else is an Asshole

-Fucking arcade ports

 -What a shit ending!

-it’s not Excitebike.

Anyway…on to the next one.

-Nick

Bionic Commando

Game Four

Bionic Commando

Capcom's traditional horrible boxart

Wow. I have to say, this game is freaking awesome.  I posted the other day, I found this store that sells old games and I figured I would stop by. I looked around the store for like an hour, and while they didn’t have much of a collection of pre-playstation games, they did have a few, most notably were NBA JAM for the SNES and UN Squadron which is an amazing shmup that I’m kind of regretting not picking up (having to pay bills sucks). Well instead of getting those two games I looked over towards the door as I was about to leave and I saw this game’s catch screen on a TV. I thought to myself, “Hmm…I’ve heard a lot about Bionic Commando in the past, and I love Capcom…I will pick this up instead.” So I put down my original two games and scoped out this classic. I was not disappointed.

So as many people are aware, Capcom makes amazing games. I’m a huge fan of Capcom, and while I haven’t played every amazing title they’ve put out…I have played a number of them (I LOVE Street fighter). So A quick cleaning of the game, (Which I guess I should just do for all of them because that seems like the only thing that makes these games work…also I love the smell of rubbing alcohol) and Baboom I’m playing some Bionic Commando.

Bionic Commando's Soundtrack (give it a listen)

There’s a lot to cover here, so I want to get some of the other stuff out of the way first, the music is awesome. Junko Tamiya, who also did the music for Gun.Smoke and Strider did a fantastic job, but it’s a Capcom game so…duh. I wish there were more to some of the songs, because they loop, but they’re all awesome. The same goes for the graphics, it’s really detailed and colourful and just everything pops, I just wish there were more variety in the soldiers, but I guess that makes sense that they all look like grunts. The story is…uh…pretty good…for an NES game. You have to save a commando named “Super Joe” Who is equally a bad ass off this island while also thwarting the Nazis, more on that later. The story is told mostly through an opening cut scene and also through com screens (similar to Metal Gear Solid’s codecs), some of which are pretty funny, mostly because of the poor translation, but they’re well detailed.

Now the gimmick of this game is that you can’t jump…more on that in a bit…but instead you have this hella rad arm that shoots out and latches onto things and you can swing like a one armed Spider-man…or rather a two armed Spider-Man, but in the other hand he has a huge ass gun…and he can’t jump…and has rad shades. 

A Radd Ladd

You’re this guy, and his name is Ladd (not as awesome as Scorpion…or even Mad Dog…) which is kind of a huge disappointment because they were so close to naming him Rad…or Radd which would have been perfect. You’ve got the arm (rad), and the aforementioned shades (note said radness). Fuck it…I’m renaming him Radd.

So like I said, Radd has this really cool arm, and with your arm you can do a few things. Awesome things. Things like, grab ledges and swing from them (with a really smooth swing animation). You can grab ledges and climb up them, but one thing you can't do is jump. Or climb down, and taking these two basic ideas of platforming away from you is what really takes some getting used to. Oh I forgot there is another thing you can do with your grapple arm and that is that you can miss ledges and fall to your death repeatedly because your grapple arm is a piece of shit. Just kidding it’s actually you that’s shit.

 This game has a really interesting learning curve. The first time you turn it on you’re like “Woah look at that logo, I’m gonna kick some Nazi ass!”(Oh…uh more on the Nazis in a little bit) you hit start and some dudes tell you your mission and you get put on a map screen. You can only go one way so you get to the first part and I guess you might land. This is where the fun starts.

It's the Map.

So to get into the levels you have to parachute in, which is always fucking cool. It’s cool when Big Boss does it in MGS3, it’s cool when James Bond does it, it’s cool I guess in Balloon fight though that’s with Balloons and not a parachute…it’s cool in GTA. You get it, it’s rad…Radd…Bionic ComRadndo…yeah.

Look we’re talking about games from the 80’s, Rad is going to be used as frequently as possible.

Anyway this game...it’s hard. Really hard. Like Nintendo Hard.  Well...at least until you know what you’re doing. See, the mechanic of swinging was so cool, and Capcom knew it was fucking cool, so the entire game is based around how well you can use your brain and reflexes to swing around the map. They through in guns and Nazis (I’m getting to it I swear.) to appease you, but unless you know what’s up and how to actually play the game, you’re going to get fucked. Hard.

When you start the game, you have one hit before you die. You have three lives and then it’s game over. Which is fucking nuts, like, how can someone even think that was fair (oh well it is an arcade port).  But to help your little pansy ass out, Capcom was like, “chill out wee bitch, if you kill these dudes here, they drop shit, and you’ll get health if you pick up these…things.” I guess they’re called bullets? I dunno they look like…a lego or something I dunno they're too small to see. Anyway, if you get like 5 you get a little green box up top and now you can take two hits (still only three lives). The more you collect the more little boxes you get, I think up to 8…I only got 5 by the end of the game. So again, if you stick to it and learn the first level you can get out with like one or two boxes of heath and the item you get at the end of the level is like a free heath kit that you can use once per level.

This is a lot of information that I’m throwing out at you, and this isn’t a walkthrough (trust me I looked one up.) But I guess I could tell you about the items now. When you beat a level on the map, you get an item. It might be a gun, it might be a little helpful item like boots that can kill enemies when you swing at them (which is fucking cool), a bulletproof vest, or the aforementioned health kit…etc. So you pick your load out at the start of a level (which is also fucking cool and cutting edge, way to go Capcom) and certain items make each level easier or harder.

The items....the "bullet" is the top left

This is all well and good except Capcom was like “Who gives a fuck about shooting, this game is about this rad swinging

concept,  here have this epic fucking rocket launcher that wrecks shit on like the third level. Go swing.” So you really get the only load out you need after like three or four levels, which really helps the combat part of the game.

Speaking of parts of the game, the game isn’t all just a Mega Man esque platformer/shooter. There are these little trucks on the map (you might have noticed them in that picture) but when you run into them you’re forced into this top down shooter stage. This is actually a good thing because they’re short, not too difficult (if you know what you’re doing/have the right weapon), and you can pick up the super valuable continues here.

 There is another type of stage that doesn’t involve any combat at all. In fact in these town-like “Neutral Zones” if you fire your weapon, everyone important will leave and a bunch of guards will come attack you forever and ever. Until you leave and come back. 

This game doesn’t have any ridiculously brain tickling puzzles, and you can pretty much just go through and play every level, but you don’t have to if you listen to what the characters say, which is awesome.

Yeah turns out swinging on things is a fucking blast

Once you understand what all the three different stages are and how to get continues, the game really levels off in difficulty, except in the swinging department. Now, like I said Capcom knew that this is what people would remember and what people would find entertaining, so they really made some clever swinging puzzles that make you feel awesome for not only figuring it out, but actually having the dexterity to accomplish them. It isn’t like this is just a mechanic that isn’t only used in one level, but a mechanic that this game that is built around.

There is no denying this, the swinging is the main part of the game, and is truly why this game is remembered. It’s so much fun, so much so that as soon as I had beaten it, I hit reset and beat it again. That’s the sign of a really good game, one that as soon as you put down, you pick up to play it some more. While writing this I want to go back and play it again. Everything about it is great and has that Capcom style, the graphics, the music, the control tightness, the fun factor, it’s all there. It’s been re-released on XBLA and PSN and while I usually love reboots there’s something magical about NES Capcom games, so if you have a working NES I would suggest picking it up for it before your Xbox, but if you don’t you should absolutely pick it up however you can (preferably with a robot arm). Just make sure you get Bionic Commando: Re Armed (there’s also a sequel to this called Rearmed 2) and not the shitty 2009 version…that is not Radd.

Tl;Dr

+Great Music and Graphics

+Rad as shit story and hero

+Bionic Swinging Arm

+Fight Nazis

+Capcom

-Hard as shit when starting out

-Really didn’t know what I was doing to start

-A couple bullshit swinging puzzles

Great fucking game/10

Go get it, seriously. This is one you should play, especially if you like Capcom or Megaman or fun…

On to the Next one,

Nick

Oh right the Nazis…

(Spoilers!) I’m about to spoil a twenty-five year old game! (also Hitler's head exploding)

The games villains are an evil army known as the Badds (but in Japan known as the Nazz). And they’re trying to revive “Master-D” (Hitler in Japan and come on…it’s a buff Hitler) to build the albatross which is a flying ship that has a giant frikkin laser. 

Hitler got buff while being dead I guess.

You end up blowing up the albatross and when Hitler tries to escape you grab a super bazooka, jump off a ledge and blow the fuck out of him and his helicopter in arguably the most epic final sequence this side of Metroid.

And the most brutal killing of Hitler this side of Inglorious Basterds

Anyway, Nintendo didn’t want any references to Nazism so they changed the names around and the symbols to avoid anything like that. I guess I can’t really blame them, but come on…it’s Hitler. Fucking "Master-D” bullshit.

Contra

Game Three

Oh boy this game. I’m sure you may have heard of Contra before, notoriously known for being a super fun, super bad ass, super tough shooter. And this game was super popular when it came out in 1988 for the NES (’87 in arcades).

 You play as Blue pants Mc Mad Dog or Sir Scorpion Redlegs, actually Bill Rizer and Lance Bean who are two soldiers bad enough and shirtless enough to take on the Red Falcon, either a terrorist group or an alien race in either South America in the 70’s or Neo New Zealand in 2633 depending on if you play this game in America or the rest of the world.

See, when writing about these games, I feel like everyone will already know what I’m talking about and all the cool stuff they feature. Like the Konami code (up up down down left right left right select start). While not the first game to use it, (that honour goes to Gradius in 1986)  Contra is the first game that made it popular in America. But if you don’t know about the code, it gives you 30 lives (normally you only have three).

You might think that this game with 30 lives makes it a piece of cake, well you’d be wrong. It’s still pretty challenging, but it does make it significantly easier. Playing it with only 3 lives and 2 continues, (like a real bad ass) takes patience, skill, and the spreader gun. But you already know all this.

You start out with a puny pea shooter that requires you to mash B and hope for the best, but to aid you in your fight, powerups can be found occasionally that will help boost your gun into a rad killing machine. They include: a machine gun (which is useful, but not if you have a turbo controller), a cluster shot (which I never found), A Laser (which sounds awesome but is actually that upgrade that you hate to get), A flamethrower (again cool, but not as useful as it could be), a barrier that makes you invincible for a short time, and the spread gun, with which you will kick the most ass and is arguably my favourite powerup ever. But again, I’m sure you know all this.

The graphics in this are awesome and colourful and even though no one has a face, or shirt, you don’t really have time to look at them anyway. But if you do, it all looks crisp and neat, Bill and Lance all sweaty in the jungle, muscles...bulging...uh Sorry, where was I? 

The music is some of the best on the NES and super memorable, and sticks with you as the day goes on.  The Japanese version has animated backgrounds and like added kind of cutscenes, but you aren’t really missing anything except McMadog’s shirtless figure and 80‘s cell phone(you could just look them up on youtube).  

The control of this game is near perfect. There really isn’t much to complain about, it’s responsive and fits the pace of the game. You can shoot in 8 directions, jump AND shoot, and duck. Ducking is the only real problem I have with the game, but that just might be because my controller isn’t that great. It’s a little sensitive and I kept dying because I would move forward and look down when I would mean to duck.

Coming into this I thought it was going to take forever to learn and beat, but with the code I got a good feel of the level and then managed to beat it with only three lives so it really wasn’t that bad. This game is so good and fun and everyone should play it, find a copy, get the new ones, get it on virtual console, whatever. Get it, play it, become a bad ass.

9/10

+Fun, fast, awesome

+great gameplay, great music, just great, amazing go play it

-A little short and not much of a story (but do you really need one?)

-“fucking duck asshole” –Nick Ricotta 2013

TL;DR – go fucking play Contra, it’s badass

On to the Next one.

-Nick

Bubble Bobble

Game Two

In 1986 Bubble Bobble was released as an arcade game by Taito and was eventually ported to various different home computers and entertainment systems, the Nintendo being one of them. Even though it was pretty popular, I had never played Bubble Bobble much before today. I have had it for a couple years, but it never worked right…it wasn’t until I cleaned it and my system for this project that I really understood what Bubble Bobble is.

Let’s say you and a buddy think to play this game. You might have seen Bub before, he’s that really cute dino in the picture up there (if you play two player the other dino is Bob, they’re both adorable).  When you switch the game on you hear some really cheery music and a bubbling title screen…so you hit a button and you’re on the main menu. There are a few options but you just hit 2 player story because that’s what you’re there for.

The game starts with Bub and Bob trapped in some sort of  bubble (bobble) and are thrust towards the ground while a mysterious voice calls out to you, “Now it is the beginning of a fantastic story.. Let us make a journey to the Cave of Monsters…Good Luck” and you truly will need all the luck the universe can give you. With that, Bub and Bob are slammed into the ground their bubbles (bobbles) literally burst and before they know what truly is going on a wave of monsters is upon them. There is only one thing they know for certain, their girlfriends have been taken and it’s up to them to save their lives. Though agile, their only defense is imprisoning their foes in a slimy, mucus like membrane which when popped changes the molecular structure of the body captured inside into a plant or vegetable. (Bub and Bob are Herbivores who have evolved to be able to manipulate any substance they coat with their saliva into edible, digestible food.) As soon as the two manage to defeat or eat these foul monsters, the floor opens up and swallows them further underground. Eventually they fall upon a chasm of skulls, in the distance their girlfriends can be seen hopelessly trapped. The last obstacle Bub and Bob have to face, is a massive monster easily 5 times their size.

Bubble Bobble looks pretty good. It’s nice and simple, but pleasing to the eye, and all the levels have a cool design. The music however, is a major, major issue. There’s pretty much one song. Throughout the 99+ levels you get one song that plays over and over and over. I guess because the levels are pretty short and take like under a minute to beat, it’s understandable, but it’s like being in the celadon city game corner in Pokemon for hours. It’s great at first, you whistle it and sing a long, but it will always get to you. Unless you can blow through these levels no problem. Which you can’t because this game is hard…It’s really hard.This game is fucking. Hard. OK?! There’s also something right before the title comes down and something for the game over and a final boss song. That’s it.

If you haven’t played it, good luck. I don’t think it’s possible to beat this without continuing…if you have a video of it, please show me, because I want to congratulate you on being a fucking savant at this fucking game.

I think part of why this game is so difficult is because I don’t know what the hell is going on. It’s pretty and cute and looks nice, but sometimes I fall through the floor, sometimes the enemies turn into ice cream. Sometimes the enemies just get exploded by how sexy Bub is feeling on that particular level…I just don’t get it. There’s so much shit going on and so many bubbles and powerups and items that I have no idea what the hell is happening. I just want to keep playing it though because it’s so quick and fun you just want to play a few more levels…and then you’re at level 57 and you’re like “damn I’m like halfway  done I should just finish it.” But then the game makes you cry like a little baby when you die over and over and over again with no idea of what the fuck you’re supposed to do. Partly because the way the levels are made in a ridiculous manner.

The level design all over the place, one level will be extremely easy and I’ll blow through it in one go, and some may take some intense focus but feel really good when you just manage to complete them, but some of them are just cheap and annoying…or completely rage enducing (57). While there are rehashes of some levels…most of them are different and there are over a hundred. Yeah, over 100 levels on this NES game…but here’s the catch, you only have 3 lives. Also unlimited continues and a password system but still. Damn…three…and it’s one hit kills too. And there are enemies fucking EVERYWHERE.

For what it’s worth I played through it all the way…so I mean I guess it’s addicting and fun at some parts, but others are just so. Damn. Frustrating. (lvl 57). This game is also really good at making you feel smart, because you have to learn all the tricks yourself. There’s no help, no hints, and only jumps and bubbles (bobbles). Eventually you get enough of a hang of it to make progress and completing a bunch of levels or getting mad gems or fruit or whatever falls from enemies feels so super satisfying, but if you miss some because you take too long at the end it hurts the feels a little because you’re like “I’m not done…I wanted that pepper.”. Also it has this annoying gimmick where if you take too long, a ghost will show up and chase you to death, and right before it shows up, “Hurry!!” will pop up on the screen and every time I was like “Game, calm the fuck down, I already killed all the enemies”.  It’s a fun game, but it’s hard as nails.

I wrote that last paragraph at around level 70…After getting to the final boss…I can honestly say

“FUCK.”

Ok, to be fair,  it goes in a pattern and if you learn it, it’s not that bad…but until you do, you’re just going to be asking god why he or she would allow such a monstrosity be allowed to spoil a children’s game. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s fucking hard. Like Meat Boy hard, like...I feel that this game might be a reason why Ed McMillen made Super Meat Boy so difficult, he wanted to put the new generation through the torture he went through with fucking Bubble Bobble.

This game is infuriating! But it’s not all bad. It’s a challenge, but  it has passwords and unlimited continues and you respawn pretty quickly with enough time in between each continue that you don’t get too frustrated…or at least if you’re me you get so far you just have to keep playing…but you’re just going to need a lot of patience to actually beat the game. This game has a second play through which is cool. If you’re man enough you should totally give it that second play through. I have too many games and don’t want to give myself an ulcer from raging so hard, so I’m not going to play it.

 If you can find a copy of it and have a Nintendo I’d say pick it up. I think it’s also on the Wii jawn perhaps.

7/ 10

+cute

+fun

+super tough

-can be a little repetitive

-can be a lot frustrating

-I’m not going to do the second playthrough sorry. (not actually sorry)

+/--WHY IS THIS GAME SO FUCKING HARD (It’s because it’s an arcade port)

+/- have fun getting the song out of your head.

Alright, on to the next one.

-Nick 

Duke Nukem Forever

Wow, this isn’t relevant at all anymore but might as well talk about it.

Alright, I know what you’re thinking, but please hear me out here. This game isn’t as bad as everyone says it is. In fact I might go as far as to say it’s..good, like really good. There’s a big thing this game is (aside from ancient) that a lot of games today aren’t…Truly fun.  I had a great time with this game, it’s not anything intelligent or perhaps something moving story wise, but it’s fun…and funny, like there’s humor in it.

All the other reviews I’ve read, and even Dave said that this game was terrible, the mechanics sucked, and everything about it was just bad and that after 13 years in development, it should be the most perfect game ever to grace our meager lives. Well, to those people I say, thinking like that is a silly way to go about things. The game may have been announced in 1996 but there wasn't continuous work on it. There were two publishers and THREE engine changes…If you're not hip to the game making lingo….it means they had to start over three times. From scratch.

     Yeah the game isn’t the prettiest, but it’s far from looking bad…MK v DC or Fallout are on the same level graphics wise. The gameplay is pretty solid, it does that whole FPS thing right with the guns shooting and if they get shot, the enemies die. The weapons are unique, sure there’s the pistol and the shotgun but there aren’t too many games that let you have a shrink ray, a freeze ray, and let you throw rats at enemies. Also another thing about the weapons, they feel ballsy. I’m sure Duke wouldn’t have it any other way. When you shoot of the shotgun, you start to feel your pants get tight…or is that just me?

The variety in this game is really something that doesn’t get done in any genre today. All the different things you do, like driving or platforming, swimming. It mixes up the gunplay enough to keep you interested in what’s coming next. I’m hard to find one example that can compare. In all honesty (and I’m sure if anyone reads these there might be a lot of anger over this) I kept thinking of Half Life Two.  (no it’s not that good, but it’s as varied and almost as fun). It’s potty humor and its 90’s mentality is similar to Conkers bad Fur Day (which if you haven’t played yet, go fucking do it).  

That’s another thing, you can play with everything! Vending machines, faucets, weights, pinball…sure they’re just little additions, but they’re fun to spend a minute on (except for air hockey and pool both of which can suck major cock and go fuck themselves to the next dimension, seriously they’re terrible and necessary for an achievement so if you’re into that, good luck)

I suggest to anyone who has played the older Duke games to at least try it, there are a lot of nods to the older years and a lot from the older style of game play. I recommend to the people that haven’t played a shooter before halo, try it, it’s a good window into what shooters were, a good way to get your feet wet, and maybe you’ll want to go back and play the older games (I mean Duke3D is on xbla so why not?).

I think it’s very important to go back and see where you came from, and if you turn your brain off, sink down to your primal bro level and just absorb the immaturity, you’ll find yourself having a lot more fun with this silly romp, than you would with days in Call of Duty.

Tl; Dr

+FUN, yeah the three letter word that doesn’t get a whole lot of attention now-a-days, this game is a lot of it.

+Lots of styles of gameplay that will keep you guessing and breaks up the gunplay enough to make you want to keep playing.

+ Great for old school gamers to get a nostalgia kick and great for new school gamers to see their roots

+Duke’s the fucking king

+/-You can throw around a turd (yeah it’s an achievement)

-  It’s immature, which isn’t always a bad thing, but it’s a little much sometimes (boobs galore though)

-Dated…the graphics, the plot, the references…if it came out maybe 3 or 4 years ago it would’ve been ground breaking.

-Had the misfortune of being hyped for 13 years…sure there was a lot going on, but yeah they maybe could’ve sped this up a bit no?

Bottom line: Try it. Don’t expect the world to shake, but try it.

-Nick

From Dust: Review (XBOX360)

Developer, Ubisoft Montpellier's From Dust is a God game simulator. One of few that I've heard of, the game already stands out. Using the power of breath, the player controls earth, water, lava, and vegetation in order to create a hospitable environment for the tribe - ultimately providing them with a sanctuary and the memories of the ancients.

The game paces itself, choosing to not introduce everything at once, but rather slowly have everything build on the previous knowledge from other areas. The game comes in strong and never lets up, offering challenges from beginning to end with increased frustration. Giving a time limit to have the tribe learn how to protect itself from water before a tsunami hits, it offers the player the first glimpse into what lay ahead. From here the strategy involved in protecting the tribal villages only becomes more intricate. The main mechanic of the game is simulating actual environments (albeit in fast forward). The spread of the fire, the flow of the lava and water, the erosion of rock and soil - all of these are the key elements behind the game. Everything works as it should (aside from tsunamis, which seemingly just appear out of nowhere). The lava flows naturally and eventually turns to stone when met with massive amounts of water; Lava, soil, and water can be combines in ways to make a very strong bridge; etc. Some levels seem easier than others, but the game extends the play for a while with challenges (with just as much frustration as the game itself). As for the camera mechanics, the ability to zoom in and out, as well as offering an overhead view really help with navigating the land.

The game is also visually impressive. Not only is it beautifully rendered, but the environment offers a much welcome change from the environments in other games these days. Although some levels may seem devoid of color, the game encourages populating the world with vegetation for an achievement. The many colors give this creationist game an aesthetic appeal that most sixty dollar games can't even deliver. The palette suits the story and mood of the game. The camera allows for a zoomed out view to admire your handiwork from afar, as well as an extremely zoomed in view, following a single tribesman throughout their trek across the land, revealing the level of detail attended to. The story isn't delivered directly, but is rather mostly delivered via text of memories. While there is a story to be had, it's mostly back-story. It doesn't really go anywhere, though, and rather just stays right where it began as far as any sort of plot devices are concerned.

From Dust isn't without its flaws, however. The AI is a little shoddy at times, choosing to ignore paths to objectives for more obscure routes, endlessly shouting for help. The game also takes a short time after something has been added to process a path for the tribe, causing a trial and error strategy to be necessary at times. Sometimes the path just doesn't appear, which can occasionally be remedied by creating a new path, resetting the objective, or just killing the current AI. As mentioned before, the tsunamis don't act like they should - they just form at the outer edge of the map and come full force, as opposed to pulling all of the water from the coast-line to build up (which would normally pull away some land on an island as well). Furthermore, a single player game with no substantial story is always a turn-off in the modern gaming era (the game is objective driven). Ultimately this game could probably be stretched out to a week-long experience of an hour or so per day, so it's maybe a ten hour investment to complete everything - definitely a substantial amount of time for only 1200 MSP ($15.00). While not a perfect game, From Dust certainly breaks the mold of monotony and offers a level of freshness and uniqueness that is wholeheartedly appreciated.

Highlights:
+   Interacting and battling the environment to guide tribes that you have little control over offers unique gameplay
+   The graphics and aesthetics of the game levels offer beautiful environments
+   Challenging, but not overwhelming story and challenge modes
+   Great camera controls allow you to navigate easily, as well as admire your handiwork from close-up or afar.
+   Fair and sensible achievements.
+/- Mostly great physics and simulation mechanics.
-/+ Somewhat broken AI is the reason behind a bulk of the gameplay frustration.
-    In this age of gaming, a single player game without a good story is like a multiplayer game without an active community.

Score: 83%

-Dave Thorne

Assassin's Creed Bro

Alright, so here we go, Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood (ABS or Ass creed bro). This is the third game in the Assassin’s Creed series. Our hero is Ezio Auditore, a renaissance Italian who, fresh out of the last game, gets thrown into a new situation that requires his hidden blades to be implanted into the soft gooey bodies of the Borgia.

So this entry takes place right after the second game, so if you haven’t played that, you’re not going to understand what’s up with this one. If you have played that…well it’s pretty much that. You run, you jump, you stab, and all of it’s done really really well. This brings me to the biggest gripe I had, the controls.  Now please don’t take this the wrong way the controls are really tight and smooth and really work well…most of the time. I don’t know if it’s my perception, but when I play games like Mirrors edge, or Assassin’s creed, the further I get and the more I play, the more I notice when I screw up. I don’t know if that’s because I’m getting better at the game and I notice more of my imperfections, or if the game has gotten sloppier.

                So this becomes perfectly evident in the last parts of the game which you have to make these perfect jumps which can become infuriating! I don’t want to spoil anything, but I have to ask….if there is only one way to go, why would I be able to jump another way? Yes that might make it too easy, but I want to feel like a badass at that point. I’ve spent the entire game honing my skills, so why can’t I just feel awesome for making those jumps and move on instead of raging at the controls or camera for another 20 fucking cockslurping minutes.

                One of the features that I feel gets looked over would be the little snippets of info you get when you find a certain person, or climb a certain building. They’re usually like a paragraph or two long and give a little bit of history about what you’re climbing all over. Now being Italian and actually liking the time period and history of this game, I might be a little more into this than most others.

The other big new feature is the “Brotherhood” part of ACB. You’ll go around helping out poor little townsfolk and in turn they will pledge their allegiance and start with the murdering.  By the end of the game you’ll have a small white hooded platoon and can overcome a lot of trouble by sending them in to go kill people you’re too good for, sort of like some stabby white lemmings. The game also has a small RPG feature with your posse, you pick a few of your pawns and fling them across Europe to do different things like murder a politician or protect a banker or pick up the dry-cleaning. This earns them XP and then they level up until their ready to become fully fledged assassins. Now that I think about it, I wouldn’t mind an Advance Wars style game involving the brotherhood or maybe a Civ 4 type of Turn based strategy minigame, or hell even its own game. Halo got something like that, so why can’t Ezio’s crew?

                Now this game isn’t really much of a technological upgrade from the second one, and you know what? I’m ok with that; there aren’t a lot of clipping issues which I find REALLY annoying. You know, when a characters hair goes through his jacket or someone’s cape flows through their sword as opposed to around it. Yes I know that it takes a lot of power to do that sort of thing but it makes me oh so happy to see that. Also this game will make sweet sweet love to the “large panoramic” shots of the world part of your brain.  Ubisoft knows that people like to climb up really high, look around and then throw themselves off into a conveniently placed hay bale, so it’s good that they didn’t mess with that formula. Oh and from the highest point of the game, you can literally see the curvature of the earth and your house…it’s quite the sight.

                Should you get it? Well that depends, if you’re really really into this series, than you probably have already, if you like it but aren’t sure  if this is just an expansion, get it, at least try it, the multiplayer is a fun time waster and if you’re like me, you thought ASII was just too short, so that alleviates that. Though I would recommend that you play through the story again real quick or look up a guide or something because for me, it was too long of a gap and I found myself asking who people were a lot of the time.  If you haven’t been into this series or just noticed it, go play the others first, then make your decision. It’s fun and well done, and more of what you’ve come to expect. Hopefully when the series ends they’ll come out with some sort of box set of all these games so you don’t have to wait the painfully long years between them.

Whew...ok a little long, but I think you get it....

-Nick